Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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