I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
