I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
