Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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