I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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