had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
