Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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