One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
we should paint friendship bongs
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