Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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