Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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