My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
