I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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