So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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