i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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