Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
