OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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