The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
should my penis look like a turkey
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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