Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
