I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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