hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
