I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Randomize
