I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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