I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
