If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
