maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
