Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
