i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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