someone threw a dead crab at me
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Blow job season was short but glorious.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
