he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
