I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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