Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I would fuck him just for his dog
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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