Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I am one with the molecules
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
