My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
