Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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