If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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