we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
