remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
