I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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