there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
