Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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