Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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