She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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