I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
