Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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