If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Enjoy the penises
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
