Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
can u get pink eye on your cock?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
