just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
A bitchslap is in order.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
