there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
i think i just naturally attract stoners
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
