I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize