I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
